Jokes

[fragger]

 

[LinkHero]

My latest stash of crappy puns:
1. I dreamed yesterday that I was swimming in a large body of orange soda.
    But it was just a Fanta sea.
*****
2. What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo ?
    A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
*****
3. I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games.
    She said,"Wii".
*****
4. The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, "What's happening?"
    A mall officer replied, "These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll."
    The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, "Who can resist a Barbie queue?"
*****
5. One bird cannot take over the world on its own.
    But toucan.

[Art Blade]

all of those are nice, and I like the "little lighter" best

[BinnZ]

I like the little lighter too, and toucan

[fragger]

Good ones, nex I love a good pun - or even a corny one!

* * * * *

A bloke walks into the pub, orders three beers, then sits down and starts drinking them. But instead of finishing one beer before starting the next, he drinks a bit of one, then a bit of the next, then a bit of the third, then back to the first one, and so on.

After he's finished, he orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, your beers will go flat drinking them that way. You should just order one at a time".

The bloke says, "Yeah, I know, but let me explain. My two brothers are in the army and they were just posted overseas to serve on the front lines. Growing up, the three of us used to drink together all the time. So while they're away, I drink three beers at a time to think of them, to honour their service, and to remind myself of what a dangerous job they're doing over there".

The bartender is touched by this and agrees that the bloke is doing quite a commendable and moving thing. So for the next month, every night, the bloke comes into the pub and continues his three-beers-at-a-time tribute. All the regulars come to know the bloke and respect what he's doing.

But then, one night, the bloke comes in and only orders two beers.

A shocked hush falls over the pub. The bartender says, "Geez mate, I'm - I'm sorry. Was it - was it one of your brothers?"

The bloke looks puzzled for a moment, then the penny drops. "No, no, it's not what you think!" he says brightly. "I only ordered two beers because I've stopped drinking".

[Art Blade]

 

[nex]

I love it   

[BinnZ]

 

[LinkHero]

That's a good one 

[Art Blade]

There was a fellow who was on his way to a mountain resort to spend a little holiday.
A policeman stopped him and said, "did you know you were driving without tail lights?"
The driver hopped out of the car and he was so badly shaken that the officer took pity on him and said, "well, uh, wait a minute, calm down. You know, it's not that serious an infraction."
And the fellow said, "well, it may not mean much to you. But to me, it means I've lost my trailer, a wife, and four kids!"

[fragger]

 

[PZ]

 

Hope that never happens to me - knock on wood 

[nex]

Oh shhhhhhitttttt........  

[nex]

Ok, this is a long one...

I went to see a friend from a very rich family the other day
The maid approached me and asked

MAID   What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frappuccino or coffee?
ME:      Tea pls
MAID    Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?
ME:      Ceylon Tea pls
MAID:   How do U want it, black or white?
ME:      White
MAID:  Milk or fresh cream?
ME:      With milk
MAID:  Goat milk or cow milk?
ME:      Cow's milk
MAID:  Friesland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME:      Uhm, lemme go with d Friesland cow
MAID:  Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
ME:      Sugar
MAID:  Bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME:      Cane sugar
MAID:  White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME:      Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water.
MAID:  Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME:      Mineral water
MAID:  Flavoured or non flavoured?
ME:      In fact, get me an empty glass!
MAID:  Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME:      Forget it, I'll just swallow my spit..."

[Dweller_Benthos]

hehe, reminds me of the choices you get in some restaurants, where they have way too many options, most of which no one ever wants.