Jokes

[PZ]

Like D_B wrote "grooooaaaannnnn" 

[LinkHero]

Some more for your enjoyment:

#1:
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

    A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

    The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

    The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

    The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

    The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

    The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:

"Holy mackerel dig the *bleep* on that woman!"
*****
#2:
I got asked out by 20 girls today...

I was in the ladies restroom.
*****
#3:
One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
Religion

St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: "What does the teacher mean?"

St.Peter replied: "Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas."
*****
#4:
John got fired from the sperm bank the other day...

...He kept saying "Get a load of this guy." every time someone walked through the door.
*****
#4:
So I was at the bar the other night and I saw this fat lady eying me up. After a while she comes up to me and says,"Do you have a number cutie?"

I ask,"Do you have a pen?"

With a wink she says,"Sure do!", and starts digging in her purse.

"Well, you need to get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."
*****
#5:
What does a necrophiliac get when someone dies?

Mourning wood.
*****
#6:
Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days

EDIT: Redundant text removed, Thanks, @Art Blade!!

[Art Blade]

The first half of the post was better than the second half of the post.

[LinkHero]

A one-liner this time, and one that is close to all our hearts.

Why is EA the worst game making company in the US ?
.
.
.
.
.
Because Ubisoft is French.

[Art Blade]

welcome (re: dundant)

and LOL @ EA vs UBI*bleep*

[LowPolyOWG]

Yep, they are just as bad, but UBI*bleep* at least know how to make games that are fun, while being the same *bleep* over and over

[PZ]

A one-liner this time, and one that is close to all our hearts.

Why is EA the worst game making company in the US ?
Because Ubisoft is French.

[LinkHero]

    There was a town which was famous for its choral singers. The singers from  this town would perform worldwide and were critically acclaimed as the best in the world.

    In this town lived a young boy named Sam. From the beginning, it was apparent that he was a prodigy in chorals. Even as a young child, he would perform for public and private audiences, and always deliver. He was so good that he was asked to learn from the finest music teachers in the city. He would also perform as part of the local church choir.

    On Sam's 18th birthday, he was practicing in the church when it happened.

    At precisely noon, he hit a note that he had never hit before. His voice was heard all over the town. Everyone who heard it stopped whatever they were doing, and just listened. This note went on for over an minute, before Sam stopped. All of a sudden, people were crying with happiness, because they had witnessed someone hitting one of the Mystical Notes, hitherto a myth among choral singers.

    Word got around that Sam had hit a Mystical Note on his birthday, and he was besieged with requests to repeat the feat. But, try as he might, he could not do it.

    On Sam's 19th birthday, the people were treated to another Mystical Note at noon, this one higher than the first. Its effects were more profound too, and the people rejoiced at hearing another of these notes.

    This continued for the next four years. Each note was heard on Sam's birthday, and each one was progressively higher, and caused more euphoria among the people than the previous ones.

    On Sam's 25th birthday, the people were ecstatic. Today they would get to hear the last of the Mystical Notes, the highest of them all. To that end, they made a huge dais in the town square and set a place for Sam to perform in.

    At noon, Sam was hit with that inspiration once again. He opened his mouth, and what could only be described as music from heaven was experienced by the townspeople. They wept with sheer joy on hearing the final note.

   At last, Sam stopped. He rose up, and promptly exploded into flames. A few seconds later, only ash remained.

  The townspeople were in a panic. Never in the history of the town, had a singer just spontaneously caught on fire. They went to the town elder, and appraised him of the problem.

    "Well," said the town elder,"I have an explanation."

    "Sam sung Note 7."

[Art Blade]

it took two seconds until it struck me.

nice one MUAHAHAHAHAH

[Dweller_Benthos]

<snort>

I almost spit out my orange juice, lol!

[PZ]

 

[fragger]

  Nice!

[fragger]

Some time ago on the old site, I posted a joke about how a tourist visiting Notre Dame met Quasimodo and asked him how to swing about while ringing the bells. Quasi tried to teach him, but the guy got the timing wrong, smacked face-first into a bell and fell to his death. When asked if he knew the guy, Quasimodo said, "I can't really say I know him, but his face rings a bell".

Well...

A few years later, the guy's brother turns up at Notre Dame. He too meets Quasimodo, and he also asks if Quasi can teach him the bell swing-and-ring thing. He too mistimes his leap to the bell, hits it with his face, and falls to his death.

When asked yet again if he knew the guy, Quasimodo says, "All I can say is that he's a dead ringer for his brother".

[Art Blade]

OMG huahahahaha

[PZ]