Jokes

[PZ]

So bad, but kind of funny! 

[LinkHero]

Follow up to the Buddhist Joke:
The hot dog man, true to his word, makes a hot dog with everything for the monk. He says,"That will be 4.5 dollars, please." The monk pays with a ten. The vendor takes the ten, and just stares at the monk. The monk, now confused, awkwardly asks "What about my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change must come from within.".

Follow up to the follow up:
The monk gets angry, and demands his change back. The vendor asks him, "Hey, what happened to inner peace?"
The monk pulls out a loaded handgun from somewhere on his robe, and says, "This is my inner piece."

[fragger]

 

[LinkHero]

Found an oldie but goodie while browsing the web when bored:

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of <put your favorite city here> chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[Art Blade]

 

that was BRILLIANT!

[PZ]

  I love it!

[Dweller_Benthos]

That's a good one, LOL! 

[fragger]

That is excellent, very clever

[LinkHero]

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Small (and dirty) followup to the this: Theresa presumably got a D.

[PZ]

 

[nex]

The Double Dutch Deal

Dear Mr Kraapen
Der last 2 schipments of rice ve got from you on the schip was mit mice schidt mixt.
De rice vas good enuff but the mice schidt schpoils der trade.
Ve do not see der mice schidt in de sample vich you send us.
It takes us too many times to pick der mice schidt from der rice.
Ve order clean rice and you schipdt schidt mit der rice.
Ve like you to schip us de rice in vun sack, and der schidt in annudder sack
and den ve mixd to soot der customer.

Please tell us if ve should keep de rice and schip back the schidt or keep der
schidt and schip back de rice, or schip back the vhole scidette vorks.
We vant to do rite in dis ting, but ve don't like dis mice schidt bisinuss.

Mit much respect
Hans Orf

[Dweller_Benthos]

Well, if you order from a guy named Kraapen, what do you expect? LOL!

[PZ]

 

Reminds me of a television chef names Jacque Pepin who speaks with a heavy French accent.  He pronounces "sheet pans" as "*bleep* pans"

[nex]

Some Covid tips

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket
because it erases your memory. I went for health foods and cheese and came home with two cases of beer

It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering

[PZ]