Jokes

[PZ]

 

[fragger]

 

All together now -

"Old McDonald was dyslexic,
OH - EYE - OH - EYE - EE!"

[LinkHero]

Oh hell.

I was rofling so much my floor got clean.

[nex]

Now I've heard everything...

[PZ]

 

[nex]

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He could not control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping
today because of a football match, so I took the remote."

The cashier laughed and then returned all the items lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said, "your husband blocked your credit card.........."
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card..
After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.......

She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.
She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.
She bought her items and returned home happily.

On getting home, his car was gone.
A note was pasted on the door:
"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match.
Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something".

Damn... He left with the house key.........

[Art Blade]

that could have been part of the script for The War of the Roses (1989, with Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, Danny DeVito)

[not to be confused with The Name of the Rose (1986, with Sean Connery, Christian Slater)]

[PZ]

 

[LinkHero]

A policemen searches a guy in nightclub toilet last night and finds a small bag of class a drugs

"It's not my fault" The guy says, "Every time i try to flush them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again"

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughs.

The guy counters, " I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

" Go on then" The cop hands him the bag.

after flushing them, he looks at the guy and says " Well , show me your pocket then"

"What for? " The guy asks.

He says "The drugs"

The guy replies, "What drugs?"

[PZ]

  funny thing is that I can actually see that happening in some instances 

[Art Blade]

oh yes.. like, "hand me that witness statement" and stuff it in the mouth, chew and swallow it.

[nex]

Yesterday I was at my local grocery store buying a large bag of dog food for my pet
and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had; an elephant? So, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Dog Food d!et again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
although loosing 10 kg I ended up in hospital last time.

I told her that it was a perfect d!et because of all the vitamins and minerals it contained and it's easy to follow,
just load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I said no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's *bleep* and a car hit me.

[Art Blade]

 

[PZ]

 

I thought the punch line was going to be something along the lines of: "... after my story, the queue emptied as everyone went to get their bag of dog food"

Of course, I might be a bit jaded thinking there are that many stupid people in the world 

[fragger]

Good one, nex

PZ, I don't think you're jaded at all! Or if you are, then so am I