Jokes

[BinnZ]

 

I know what a hearse is because of GTA, brilliant!

[LinkHero]

Here's a quickie for the Harry Potter junkies:
* * * * *
Albus Dumbledore asked the gamekeeper whether he would teach Care of Magical Creatures the following year.
The gamekeeper Hagrid.
* * * * *

Spoiler

Hagrid = Agreed

[LinkHero]

Because I have nothing to do today, here's another quickie:
* * * * *
*At a military construction site*

Labour: We need stronger material for making durable roads.
Contractor: Use More tar.
*one hour later, the entire road is in ruins*

Spoiler

more tar = mortar ( the FC2 kind)

[LowPolyOWG]

 

[fragger]

  I like the second one. Not being a Potter fan I might have to Google to get the first one, although I think I got it anyway


To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an engineer, it's indicative of an inefficient utilization of storage space.

[Dweller_Benthos]

I don't get the Potter one or the road building one.....

[nex]

This is a lengthy one, sorry guys. But I think both Mrs's PZ and mandru would enjoy it 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered, is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that, since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer, for her to be beautiful during the day, or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, and at night in the privacy of his castle an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Spoiler

If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

[LinkHero]

 

Here's another one:
* * * * *
USA knew that using an atomic bomb on Japan was of no use.
So, they dropped it.
* * * * *
P. S. Both the Potter joke and the military joke have their respective Punchline explanations. If you require one for this joke, then you need some help. Read some joke books.

[LowPolyOWG]

I don't get the Potter one or the road building one.....

If you look on how you pronounce the words, then you'll get it Hagrid = Agreed. More tar = Mortar weapon Basically, rather than using more tar, they used a mortar

[BinnZ]

I like the 'long' story about wise mister Lancelot, Nex!

I have a joke as well:

Four nuns come to the father to do their confession. The first enters the confessional and tells the father that she had looked at a man's penis. "Oh dear", said the father, "say 10 Hail Mary's and wash your eyes in the holy water".
Relieved the nun leaves the confessional and the second nun enters in her place. She tells the father her confession; "I held a man's penis in my hands", she said. "Good God", said the father, "now you say 20 Hail Mary's and wash your hands in the holy water".
When the second non comes out of the confessional, nun number three and four are having a firm argument with each other. Curious as he is, the father comes out and asks the two what is wrong. Number four explains; "You really think I'm going to wash my mouth in that holy water after she sits in it? No way!"

[Art Blade]

 

[LowPolyOWG]

 

[Dweller_Benthos]

If you look on how you pronounce the words, then you'll get it Hagrid = Agreed. More tar = Mortar weapon Basically, rather than using more tar, they used a mortar

Oh, right, I'm terrible at the combine or mispronounce word play jokes. I'm too literal in my reading of the words. I'm also terrible at riddles, again, I think too literally.

[LowPolyOWG]

 

[LinkHero]

Here's a quickie:
* * * * *
What do Donald Trump and atoms have in common ?

They both make up everything.
* * * * *