The Rattanburrow Chronicles - Diamonds 101

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Hello there, dear listeners, and a very HOT welcome again to your quintessential radio program on hunting large game - William Rattanburrow's 'Hunting Heads', previously known as 'Assassins in Africa' and 'Corpses in the Crosshair' and often featured on the popular family program 'Man-Hunter - the Most Dangerous Game of All'.

Firstly, I must apologise for the last recording - how was I supposed to know that this defective device would record at the slightest press of the "Record" button? I really must find the wretched journalist who sold me this recorder and tell him what I think about it - in very physical ways.

It doesn't help matters either that I was short on time to prepare the next episode, so I decided to send in that recording. I can only hope my editors were sufficiently amused to allow it to be aired...

Anyway, on with this week's episode!

Recently, I was sent on a most exciting and eventful mission, assigned by no less than that a**h- most scandalous of scallywags - Addi Mbantuwe, leader of labour and wonder of workers; self-declared leader of the UFLL and his unarguably effective commanding style known as "U Follow Like Losers".

After a most successful and literally EXPLOSIVE conclusion to the mission, I was paid, not by Mbantuwe himself, but an Unwitting Follower, Luckless and Lost. Unfortunate, for I would have loved to split Mbantuwe's head in half like I did this lackey's when I discovered that the so-called diamonds he gave me were worth a mere fraction of what I was owed.

So this brings me to ask you, dear listeners: "Do you REALLY know what your diamonds are worth?"

Granted they may look shiny and even sparkle and chime "ting-a-ling" as you pick them up from those innocuous and discreet metal briefcases in the middle of the desert or jungle or muddy pond...

In truth, however, these stones - a comparison to "lumps of washing soda" is apt - are but a mere shadow of the brilliance and worth of true diamonds, cut and polished.

I hear you ask, then, "Get on with it! What are my diamonds worth?!"

Well, there are four 'C's that need to be considered when valuing a diamond... Cut, Colour, Clarity and Carat.

CUT

Most people opt for the simplest and most common of Cuts - the Brilliant or Solitaire. One tends to find this on the ring finger of married ladies, as it is the most popular of proposal rings. Another popular one is the Princess Cut, usually squarish in shape. Others prefer more uncommon cuts such as the Asscher or the more antique Rose cut.

Obviously, the more exotic or difficult the cut, the more facets it may have and hence, more valuable!

COLOUR

Diamonds, surprisingly enough, are NOT monochromatic. They can come in a variety of Colours and these are designated by letters from 'D' to 'Z' - 'D' being the most "white" so as to be almost completely colourless, even 'icy' and the most sordidly expensive.

'G' to 'J' are near colourless and the colour gets more and more yellow and prices lower as we move further down the alphabet. On the other hand, there are also some rare or 'fancy' colours such as pink, blue and the very rare reds which cost a great deal more than even a 'D'.

CLARITY

Then we have the Clarity of the diamond - how flawless a diamond is. A perfect diamond, without blemishes or inclusions, is graded simply, FL - Flawless!

This is followed by IF (Internally Flawless); VSS1 and VSS2 (Very Very Slightly Included), VS1 and VS2 (Very Slightly Included) and so on... All determined by the number of imperfections found within the gemstone itself.

It goes without saying that one should expect to pay a ransom in Edouard's gold for an IF, let alone, a Flawless diamond!

CARAT

In a word, how BIG one's diamond is. One carat might sound small but figure in the other qualities and you'll be paying a pretty penny for that wee carat!

The worse part is, the prices aren't even proportional to the size. Instead it's exponentially so. Two carats doesn't mean twice the price of one carat - it could be several times more!

So there you are, dear listener, I hope you've found this episode a little bit more interesting than the last - cerebral as it is. At least we can all say we now know how to value our diamonds.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a meeting with a certain Mr. Mbantuwe about his "lumps of washing soda"...

This is William Rattanburrow, signing off from shiny Africa!

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[deadman1]

Thank you for that highly enlighting article Mr Rattanburrow. I shall certainly pay much more attention to the diamonds I get paid with in the future. Come to think of it, would you like some company when meeting Mr Mbantuwe?  :-*

Qarbani Singh

[fragger]

Hehehe, nice ones, Messers Rattanbarrow and Singh ;D ;D

Mr. Rattanburrow, you're a gold - er, diamond - mine of information. Who would have thought that there was so much to consider concerning shapeless lumps of crystallized carbon. Me, I just snatch the diamonds out of the briefcases and stuff them in my pockets, my only thoughts concerning their intrinsic qualities limited to what means of mayhem they'll allow me to purchase. As long as diamonds permit me to buy weapons, manuals and camo suits, I tend not to give too much thought to their aesthetic qualities. Neither, I suspect, does that mustachioed chap in the gun shop.

Seriously though, very informative post, cheers :-X

[Art Blade]

On behalf of Frank Builders who asked me to forward his thoughts on diamonds:

"I don't care what those dickheads say about those stones, I get a good crack listening to 'em. I get paid in gold. It was my idea that you lot get paid in stones 'cause they are so f@#$ing easy to produce. If I need more stones I just walk up to either faction leader. They're so bloody tight that when they fart only a f@#$ing dog can hear it. So all I do is slam-dunk a lump of coal down their throats and then they simply can't help it but sh!$ diamonds. That's why the stones you donkeys get are worth sh!$. I don't care if ya wanna cut 'em, do what ya bloody like with 'em."

Sorry about the language, but you know Frank :)

[JRD]

 :-X :-X :-X ... Priceless...  ;D ;D ;D

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To Mr. Quarbani "Deadman" Singh: Company is always welcome, especially when causing carnage and dealing death. Mind you don't get in my way or cheat me of diamonds like that git Andre and we'll get along just fine, old chap.

To Fragger, Esq.: It's all very well and nice to know that your lumps of carbon will buy you your lumps of lead but I wrote that article to avoid the repeated occasions where both you and our mustachioed Mexican dealer of dodgy arms (and his identical octuplet siblings) short-change each other at every transaction...

To M. Blade: No apologies required. What can you expect? Frank's Irish.  :P Likewise, the luck o' the Irish is probably why we all haven't caught up with him and given him a right good thrashing!

To Sir JRD: No, my dear sir, they are price-full. Which was the point of my article! Sigh...  ;)

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[deadman1]

My dear Mr. Rattanborough I would never even dream of getting in between you and your hard earned "rocks". I too share your feelings for such behavior and it´s nice to know that you gave Andre his well deserved comeuppence.

Qarbanai

[Art Blade]

What can you expect? Frank's Irish.  :P

lol  ;D