Possible alternative for smoking

[Binnatics]

4 weeks without a cig now, and somehow it's getting harder to keep on every day.
The damn doubt I felt 2 years ago, is back and fully attacks my attempt to quit. I'm floating somehwere between "I want to smoke, I love smoking and feel like a smoker" and "I feel healthy, I want to stay that way, and I want to completely forget about smoking".

...Forget about smoking, I think that's what it is. I wish I could just forget it, as if it had never existed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a new stadium of quiting; the first stadium is where you say goodbye to the physical pleasure of smoking. Your body is kind of deregulated and seeks for a new balance. After you feel comfortable again without nicotine you still long for the smoke in your throat and lungs, the 'consumption' of smoke. I've passed that stadium. I'm no longer getting shivers when I think of that feeling, I don't long for an actual smoke anymore. But this next stadium has to do with identity I guess. Having been a smoker for more then half my life I think smoking has become part of my identity. When I don't have it, I feel insecure. When something uncomfortable happens, I long for the smoke. And sometimes I feel down like if I'd lost someone dear to me. An emptiness, which links to all sorts of unpleasantries in the world.

So basically, I experience loss and insecurity.
This new way of living doesn't give me the security I need jet. I think that will just take time. Change is never easy, and what I'm experiencing now, I guess, is change that chows on my existence. Time will give strength to my new habits and will strengthen my feeling of security.
The loss is, I think, a loss of a bit of myself during this whole process. All my youth, and during becoming a man, smoking had been a present thing. It's part of my identity. It made accepting myself and behaving like me all so easy. Now that it's not there anymore it's all become more difficult.

The good thing is, that I also discovered a lost piece of myself that is coming back now. I have tiny memories, suddenly, of my childhood. The period before I started smoking. (I started smoking when I was 16) These memories make me feel comfortable and make me seek comfort in my present being as well.

Everything is moving, and it's damn tiring sometimes. I can easily stop this movement and go back to my easy status quo; one cig would do. The rest would follow and everything would seem easy again. The worries about me being a smoker will only return after a year or two maybe.
Thát is what makes me doubt; "Why not leave it for now and go back to where everything is easy? Why not just forget about the whole quiting and enjoy life... with a cig? I read in the paper how ppl get killed by accidents and how our world is loosing its grip on itself; the european crysis, the creditcrysis, the arabic spring...Everything is about to change and who knows our comfortable lives will soon be totally different? Why bother? Light another!!!" :D :D :D

I can tell you guys one thing: writing this down is helping me sort things out. It helps. I remember again why I started this whole thing. I know that change is the hardest thing in life. And I remember the legendary words of the Vortigaunt once again:
"We have lost all dear to us.... We shall prevail... Our life is worthless unless spent on freedom... This is more then anyone can bear... But we will persevere."

[JRD]

Hold on there, mate, it`s just a relapse... the withdraw kicking might make you re-think your quitting decision!

It should last for only a few minutes and those attacks will be far apart each other with time, don`t worry!

Now go on and kill some mercs to let out some of that steam!  >:D

PS: when struggling like that, think about the upcoming games you are about to play like B:AC... this should keep ypur mind busy for a while!  8)

[Binnatics]

 :-X ;) Thanx JRD, I will hold on!!! And these games coming, damn they are worth waiting.... ahhh, Catwoman....

[Art Blade]

Good luck and "the force will be with you," guys :)

I'm glad that I don't suffer like you lot. I do get cravings and shrug them off just like you'd wave away a pesky fly. Basically all that happens is that I get annoyed very briefly because of the thought of having a cig. All that I think next is, "eh, wtf, I'm done with this s#!t, go away, thought." Then I smile and go on with my day as if nothing had happened. Which, in fact, is the truth. Nothing had happened.

I was a smoker for more than half of my life, too, but I started late (age 20). I'm not going to tell anyone anything about how dangerous smoking is, not going to preach, either. I feel sorry for those addicted to a drug they don't even realise how much. Best line of a smoker: "I'm a smoker and I stand by it." Yeah, yeah..

I don't think about it any more (except the example given above but I just shrug it away). I don't even know nor do I care for how long I've stopped smoking, doesn't really interest me any more. I'm close to "it never existed"  :)

[fragger]

Thanks Obi-Wan - er, Art :) We will prevail!

Quitting affects us all differently. Art's dealing with it OK, Binn's having some difficulty, and I'm somewhere in between. I go for long periods without even thinking about it, other times the cravings nearly drive me mad. I just need to immerse myself in something to take my mind off it until the craving passes.

Binn, I totally get what you're saying. I have the same moments sometimes, thoughts such as, "Why not just smoke? I was happy when I did", and feeling as though part of myself is gone, or that I'm missing out on something. That's to be expected because essentially a part of yourself is gone - the part that used to smoke. It was a behavioural habit as much as a chemical one and any routine is missed when it's given up. We can talk about brain receptors and all the rest of it, and that is a big part of it, but the other big part of it is that a well-established pattern of behaviour ingrained over a period of decades has abruptly changed and naturally there's an accompanying sense of loss. In that regard, you'd feel a similar pang if you were told you could no longer drive or play a particular sport or do anything else that you'd enjoyed doing for years and years.

Mate, I wish I had a magic solution for you (and for myself :-() ) but there isn't one. I too started smoking in my teens and did so for most of my life. All I can do is offer my empathy and support, and my belief that you can be strong and conquer this. Remember you're not the only one - there are people besides us all over the world trying to do the same thing, try and draw some inspiration from that. Good approach remembering childhood, too. You were smoke-free for sixteen years and it didn't bother you. It can not bother you again!

Hang in there, we'll beat this thing yet :-X Do what JRD suggested, vent it on the mercs. That's what they're there for :-()

[Art Blade]

In that regard, you'd feel a similar pang if you were told you could no longer drive or play a particular sport or do anything else that you'd enjoyed doing for years and years.

Funny you should say that. About two years ago I started to lose and finally lost part of my eyesight. A life long it worked, for more than forty years that is, and all of a sudden I was badly impaired. That has been annoying. I can't change it so I have to live with it and do what it takes to keep my life as normal as possible. If you compare that with giving up smoking and having to cope with cravings, I have a non-stop craving (to be able to see well with both eyes once more) ever since and it will never stop till I die because that "craving" is etched in my mind and it's physical at the time. Now I don't complain, I just explain so people understand why I do certain things in a certain way. :) Giving up smoking is different. Here I decided to change something voluntarily and to change from bad to good.

How could I complain?  ;)

[PZ]

Sorry to hear that AB, eyesight is one of the most important senses we have.

[Art Blade]

yes.. and life is a bitch  :-()

However: what doesn't kill us, makes us weirder.  :-D

[fragger]

 

You're to be commended for your upbeat attitude, Art :-X There are many people in the world who would wallow in self-pity and would let a condition like yours get to them, quite possibly including myself. I'm very visually oriented in my pursuits and the thought of my eyesight deteriorating frightens me. Which is another very good reason for quitting smoking as that can lead to visual impairment for some people. I don't want to be one of them.

Here's to you, mate :-))

[Art Blade]

cheers :) Unfortunately I am extremely visually oriented and on top I used to paint/draw and so on. What I have now is.. imagine wearing glasses: One glass is normal, the other glass has a big drop of water in the middle. Of course you receive images of both eyes at the same time and the brain tells you they don't match (distortion caused by the drop) so your immediate wish is to wipe that drop away. Well, I can't wipe it away. My brain had to learn to ignore the distortion and instead use the image received by the other eye, twice if you will (which effectively renders the centre to be non-3D). Sometimes the brain forgets what it has learned and allows both images to be present at the same time (confusing if you want to read something or watch something) or worse, it decides to use the distorted image twice which is the last thing I need. So I force my brain to ignore the wrong and only show the right image (replacing the distorted part of the else good image). My peripheral is still working in both eyes but it had to hit the very centre which is really annoying. However, I can still play computer games and read books and so on but depending on which side someone homes in on me I won't recognise that person until we're face to face. Or I prefer BIG LETTERS  :-() Stuff like that.

At least it doesn't hurt  8)

[PZ]

What was the diagnosis of the clouded eye?

[Art Blade]

not clouded, partly blind: macular degeneration.

[nexor]

Art my mate, then I feel sorry for myself in losing the first joint on the middle finger of my right hand in a freak accident, maybe I lost about 0.25% use of that finger, yeah I do wear specs, partly because of "old age" (and no comments from the peanut gallery ok!!) but damn....!!!! I feel ashamed of myself.....it takes willpower and a strong character to overcome, accept and adapt to your situation...
:-)) mate

[Art Blade]

Thanks, guys. I'm stubborn and do have willpower (as in "if I really want something, I will manage no matter what") and not being an optimist I prefer to stick to reality although clearly with a positive stance.  ^-^

[PZ]

not clouded, partly blind: macular degeneration.

Really a shame that we do not have any solution for losing the electrical activity of the eye.

Love your attitude though  :-X

[Art Blade]

Oh, cheers :) Well, I turned a blind eye to the fact that there's no medical solution yet. 8)

[PZ]

  :-X

[Binnatics]

Thanx all for the support!!! :-X
I knew I would get reactions like these and that's one of the things why I wrote my struggle down. It really helps. Somehow, Fragger, today has been a lot better and it seems that the craving is gone for a moment.  ^-^ 
I'm sure that I'm facing some easier, more relaxing days right now. And it's not like the craving is always there. I do experience relaxed moments and joyfull moments, thank god. I need that relaxing time. It helps if I focus on what I really want / long for at these hard moments. Funny enough it's not smoking, it's things like "being in the coutch with my wife watching TV" or "going to bed early with a good book" and also "browse OWG with a glass of beer or a cup of coffee".

@Art: I admire your spirit of life and the way you deal with a serious damage like that! :-X You always keep smiling and look on the bright side of life. Respect mate!!!
You told me before about your bad sight, but I didn't remember it is macular degeneration. My grandmother has that too, and my mom. It works different though for them. Well, my grandma doesn't see practically anything, only some vague light.
My mom suffers from some sort of night blindness. She gets distracted by sharp lights which sparkle in her sight. That makes it hard for her to drive in the dark, for example. During daytime sometimes she wears some orange glasses which help her with that sparkling.
They told her that there are 2 types of macular degeneration; the dry and wet version. I don't remember which one has my grandma, I think the dry one. For my mom it's not sure yet what exactly it is. They say it will get worse, probably. I hope not, and not for you either. What you tell is allready hard enough. If I had a frustrating sight like you describe I would be able to hit myself in the face to get it away.  :D
Again: Respect!! :-X

[Art Blade]

Ta :)

[mmosu]

I didn't know any of that stuff about you Art - an excellent positive attitude thought.  My nephew was born legally blind in his right eye, but we didn't find out about it until he was a bit older, because when he was little he didn't realize that something was wrong.  That was just how things were to him, and he thought it was normal.  In hindsight though, finding that out made some of the wierd things he did as a little kid make more sense.  For example, if something happened to his right flank that he wanted to look at, he would always make a 3/4 turn to his left so that (as we eventually figured out) he could lead toward what he was trying to see with his good eye.  He would also always run around with his head tilted to the right which, of course, put his good eye more toward the center so that he could use it to compensate.  Just proves that when you have a deficit like that, necessity really does become the mother of invention! 

[Art Blade]

 :)

[Binnatics]

I'm having a hard time again with this quiting thing. Since a week I'm constantly thinking of smoking. I don't know exactly what caused all this drama. I hoped it would pass after a few days, but it stays for way too long this time.  :-\\

When all this is over, IF all this is over, it's definitely a strong motivation to never start smoking again. I really hate this craving.  >:(

[JRD]

When all this is over, IF all this is over, it's definitely a strong motivation to never start smoking again. I really hate this craving.  >:(

WHEN is the right word, mate... IF is just a matter of time... believe me, I've been there!

[Art Blade]

Yesterday while playing a challenging online team shooter I felt a craving, too. For like 2 hours, then it went away. Phew  :)

[PZ]

 :-X